Chloe needs your questions! In an effort to make the advice interesting to everyone, we won't be answering any of those "Do you think she/he likes me" or "How do I ask out my crush," both of which have been covered in the archives or "How to Tell if Someone Likes You." The juicier the sitch, the more likely you'll see it in print!

Today's Column: Crush advice, friends with benefits, playing hard to get and dangerous workplace romances.

 


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Dear Chloe,

HELP ME PLEASE! Okay, so there is this guy and I am really starting to like him more and more as I get to know him. He seemed really shy and nervous around me at first, but I have an outgoing personality and I got him to warm up to me. Now he flirts nonstop. We work together so that's the only time we really talk for now. He even just sits around all day while I'm working. Then one day I decided to look him up on facebook and found out that he had a girlfriend, and that they have been dating for a while. I was upset but I still like him because we have a lot in common and we enjoy each other's company. I decided to check out her page to get a feel for her personality and she seems to be more self-absorbed than concerned about their relationship. I don't know if I should let him go or continue to try to further our relationship. Chloe, what should I do?

Sincerely,

Too Confused to Think

 

Dear Too,

What is confusing?

He's got a girlfriend. Back off. As far as his girlfriend being self-absorbed on facebook, isn't everyone? In fact, aren't you being kinda self-absorbed right now?

The Golden Rule makes these decisions so much easier. (By the Golden Rule I'm referring to treating others the way you wish to be treated. Actually, a better rule would be treating others the way they wish to be treated.) Would you want some girl poaching your guy? No. So don't you do it, either.

 

Dear Chloe,

I have a very good female friend who happens to be VERY, very sexy. She has perfect, voluptuous breasts which are impossible to ignore. She's also extremely engaging, smart and friendly. Normally, I do my best to forget about her breasts, but when my boyfriend is around, it's a different story. I pray that she won't wear a low-cut or tight shirt that day. I can't help feeling jealous because I seriously believe that everyone, especially men, undresses her mentally as they talk to her. I don t fault any man for it, but I'm afraid that he will start fantasizing about her. This is based on my own obsessive thinking, of course. My boyfriend is very trustworthy. I don't think he would ever act on those kinds of feelings, if he has them, but I still resent him for potentially thinking about it and her for just being so hot. I know it's out of my control...if I see them talking for a long period of time, usually I end up feeling privately irritated. I won't bring it up with him, because I don't want him to feel attacked...plus maybe it will create some kind of forbidden fruit scenario. Chloe, please tell me - how do I stop having these feelings to begin with? For the most part, believe it or not, I am happy with myself! I am not bothered by him talking to attractive strangers - only my friend, as they will continue to see each other in our group as time goes on.

Thanks for hearing me out. I will take EVERY suggestion you have!

Best,

L.

 

Dear L,

Let's just assume that your boyfriend IS fantasizing about her, and that's normal. You've described quite the tantalizing picture -- I'd be worried if he weren't attracted to her!

The thing is, I don't think you are all that happy with yourself. If you were, you would not be jealous of your girlfriend, or any other beautiful woman. You don't mention anything in your boyfriend's behavior that indicates he is untrustworthy, either.

Actually, your reactions to situations are completely in your control. Read this post on building self esteem at dirtydialogue.com. The author of that post has said that when we feel hurt by another's actions, it's a sign that we need to love ourselves more. It's something to think about whenever you find you're getting upset.

 

Dear Chloe,

Hey, I want to know how to play hard to get. Every time I am around the guy I like, I forget about playing hard to get and start drooling all over him.

Sincerely,

Playing hard to get wannabee

 

Dear Playing,

This is an excellent question. I used to think that women should step up if the man wasn't making a move, but I've rethought that strategy. Playing hard to get is the way to go.

I recommend that you sign up for Mimi Tanner's email column. She offers great relationship advice, and has even written a book called "Hard to Get" (No, I haven't read it myself and I don't receive anything if you buy from that link. I am one of her subscribers and find her emails well written, interesting and helpful, so she deserves the plug.)

 

Dear Chloe,

There is this guy that I like and we text each other once in a while. When he sends a reply it's "yea," "yup," or something like that. I see him in an after school activity and sometimes he looks at me, and I would look at him. The problem is I wish he would come up to me and talk, or I would have the courage to talk to him. Anyway, this week I sent him a text and I got a conversation out of him, and it was sortof lame. It was about bikes and how he could do some cool tricks, and I told him that I would love to learn how to do some tricks to. He told me that he would teach me and I said that would be great, and the conversation went on. So I need your help on how to be come a little bit more closer to him without making it weird.

Sincerely,

Dancer

 

Dear Dancer,

This is the problem I have with texting. Itís like a fake relationship, which makes it harder to transition to an actual relationship. It doesn't really seem like he's into it. In the past I used to say that if you want something to happen, you have to make a move, but now I'm all about being Hard to Get. I just don't see this guy making any kind of effort, and if you make all the effort you're going to take all the fun out of it for him. Personally, I wouldn't bother texting him anymore. Put your effort into someone who's going to reciprocate.

Just remember that guys don't have to be nudged into doing things they want to do.

 

Dear Chloe,

Well... I have a crush on this guy at my gym...We don't know each other very well, and we've only talked once... but he did smile at me when we did talk... and I smiled back... I'm just kind of stuck. I just want to know how he feels, and if he'd want to turn this into something... I know it's really nothing right now, but I think about him all the time, and I keep picturing his smile... It was a very warm smile... And it made me feel awesome... I wish he could know how I feel! I'm just shy, and like I said, we don't really know each other. Any advice? Thanks so much! :)

Sincerely,

Truffels

 

Dear Truffels,

I always like to break the ice by asking a guy to help me with something. It shows you value his expertise. Ask him to show you how to operate a new exercise machine Or ask if he could recommend any good core exercises. Or make a joke, like, if you've taken a class, mention how the instructor killed it and that it'll do great things for his butt. Always keep it playful.

 

Dear Chloe,

I have fallen head over heels for a co worker. We have a wonderful connection. He sends me e-mails with little sexual innnuendos. I catch him staring at me in meetings. He calls me "Lady Di", he stares at me and smiles. We laugh and joke together. Twice in the past three years, I have offered to drive him to the airport and we stopped for dinner on the way. One problem is we are both married. I know he is not happily married. Am I wrong to wait for him to make a move? I am so addicted to him. Help!

Sincerely,

Lady Di

 

Dear Lady,

You can't be serious, Your Majesty. It is not wrong to wait for him to make a move unless one of you is MARRIED, then you shouldn't have anything to do with moves of any kind.

At least two innocent bystanders will be hurt by your actions. More if you have children. Plus once things fizzle out work will be SO awkward.

Ordinarily I would say enjoy the workplace flirting, but this has gone too far already. It's best for you to keep your distance. Infidelity is just not cool, whether or not he is unhappy (or so he says). And I tend to think if he's going to cheat with you, he's going to cheat on you.

 

Dear Chloe,

I have a weird relationship with one of my best friends who is a guy. We are very close, but at the same time we flirt A LOT. He kind of has this thing with my other best friend, they hook up a lot, but that isn't my concern. People have told me to give it up because I will lose my friend, but the truth is, she doesn't mind my relationship with him and wouldn't be hurt if I hooked up with him or whatever.

My question is, why does he want both of us? Or does he even like me in that way? It's hard to ignore a guy if he flirts with you 24/7, but it bothers me that he flirts with her too...I understand that their thing is stronger than ours, but if he already has her, why does he even bother flirting with me? I don't understand why he does it, maybe you could help. If he does like me, what do I do about it? If he doesn't, how can I ignore him?

Also, sometimes I think that he chooses her over me (even though he gives me more attention) because she gives him what I don't, if you know what I mean.

Sincerely,

Confused

 

Dear Confused,

First of all, your weird relationship is with both of your best friends.

So why does your best friend flirt with you even though he has a Friend With Benefits (FWB) sitch with your other best friend? Because he can. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that any guy will accept an offer for a FWB. His relationship with her is not related to his relationship with you. In fact, it is unlikely that he would consider a relationship with your best friend outside of a booty call.

As far as your friend not caring if you hook up with this guy, it's hard to believe. I don't know if women can really turn off their emotions like guys can when they're having sex. Maybe your friend can, but it's not the norm. But why entangle yourself even deeper in this love triangle, anyway? I don't see it ending well.

I don't know if he likes you in that way, but if you start sleeping together he will no longer consider you girlfriend material. How to ignore him? The same way you ignore anyone -- don't contact him. Focus on yourself, your activities and your other friends. Keep busy.

Hugs and kisses,

 


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Disclaimer: This column is for entertainment purposes only. I am not a professional therapist or licensed anything for that matter. But that doesn't mean that I don't care.

I reserve the right to edit for grammar, brevity, content, etc. If you'd like to discuss something you've seen here, I invite you to share your experiences. Don't keep it a secret! I welcome your comments.

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