Due to the volume of responses I receive, I am unable to...um, not really. I'm sure I'll have more than enough time to mull over your question.

Today's Column: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.

 

Dear Chloe,

HELP!

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me but I don't know for sure. He's beginning to spend more time away from me. He keeps saying it's a business trip but I have my doubts because, he's a Carvel vendor. How much travel does a Carvel vendor do?

He came home with a lipstick stain on his shirt last week and when I questioned him he told me that he got the strawberry topping on it. He said when he went to open the can it splashed up on him. To believe or not believe.

He also came home another night smelling of perfume. Again I questioned him. He told me that he was thinking of buying me perfume for my birthday (which is in 3 months) and he said the saleslady sprayed him. The fact of the matter is, I don't wear perfume. To believe or not believe.

Am I being naive? What should I do?

Sincerely,

Too Trusting in Toronto

 

Dear Too Trusting,

Chickadee, you already know what you should do - lose that drip lickety-split and find yourself another ice cream man. But who? Why, let's take a look at your available options:

First there's Mr. Softee. Hmmm. If you can get past the name, there's still something unwholesome about a loner in a truck surrounded by vanilla ice cream all day long. Too many hygiene uncertainties. Even though he has his own wheels, I'd pass.

Then there's the Good Humor Man. Dependable, classic, safe. And boring. You always know what you're going to get. Kinda like McDonald's in Russia - but, it's still McDonald's.

Next is the TCBY guy, as in, This Can't Be Yogurt. But why settle for yogurt when you really want ice cream? Sounds unsatisfying.

Haagen-Daaz, you say? Nah. That pretty boy-toy is really bad for your thighs.

That leaves the Tastee-Freeze Man. Yeeeooow. Virile, masculine, confident. Loads of stamina. No unnecessary calories. He'd get my vote. Of course, if you're looking for something a bit alternative, you can always sashay over to the Dairy Queen. But if you ask me, you'd be wasting your time.

tout jamais,

 


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Disclaimer: This column is for entertainment purposes only. I am not a professional therapist or licensed anything for that matter. But that doesn't mean that I don't care.

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