Due to the volume of responses I receive, I am unable to...um, not really. I'm sure I'll have more than enough time to mull over your question.

Today's Column: I think my fiancée is lazy.

 

Dear Chloe,

I'm engaged to this girl and we've known each other for four years. We've been dating for three and a half years. We've been engaged for a year now and we have an 11 month old daughter. I feel I'm being stuck doing everything and I need a break. I've talked to her about this before and she said it would stop but it hasn't. I think she is lazy but I don't know. What should I do?

Sincerely,

BigPapa2000

 

Dear BigPapa2000,

How is your fiancée's emotional state? Has she seemed depressed? Have you guys set a date, or is your engagement just hanging out there, in limbo? There is the possibility that she feels trapped, too, and she's acting out with her laziness. According to the late Breakup Girl, cohabiting women with children are significantly more depressed than married mothers, because of the relationship's impermanence. I'm not saying that's what's going on here, because I can't tell from the information you've given here. I'm just trying to figure out what may be going on in your fiancée's head.

You've been together long enough to know whether she's lazy or not. How did you talk about it? Were you reasonable, or confrontational? Does your fiancée often say she'll do something and then flake out? If you've allowed her to get away with that in the past, then she's not going to change her behavior. Did you catch her at a good time, or was she busy with the baby and not paying attention to what you were telling her? Does she work outside of the home?

My advice is to talk it over with her again in a neutral place, without distractions (like the baby). Prepare a list of all the things you do and all the things she does. Make suggestions on what you're willing to do and not do and ask her what she's willing to do and not do. Ask her what she needs from you and tell her what you need from her. You're going to have to stand up for yourself and keep her on track; once you've made an agreement, don't let her slack off the stuff she said she'd take care of. Don't be all in her face at volume ten, she'll just feel you're attacking her. But gently explain that you're frustrated and stressed too and so you *must* work out something now and make sure she keeps her end of the deal. What is it that you feel stuck doing? You didn't tell me, so I can't decide whether your fiancée is taking advantage or not. I'm sure that you're aware how much work the baby is. Is there something that she's asked you to do but you've been putting it off? Maybe you could compromise and do that one thing in good faith. You're adults; you should be able to come up with a solution that both of you feel happy about. I don't see how anything will get accomplished without another conversation.

Good luck!

Hugs and kisses,

 


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