Chloe gets too many questions to answer each one. Chances are someone has already asked the same or a similar question, so check the archives or "How to Tell if Someone Likes You."

Today's Column: Another double length column! Should I cut ties with my cheatin' fiancť, approaching my crush, what to do with flirty engaged girls, my best friend is dating my ex, married women looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

Dear Chloe,

My fiancť and I, after almost three years together, broke it off. It was his choice. We had been through a lot, with his lying about other women he had cheated with. He called it off, but he still wants to call and be friends? I still love him but I feel I'm putting things in perspective right now. He came to me as being friends and not lovers and to try to start over as friends but we have a lot invested. I told him that I would not take the status of friend when we were actually engaged and that I would cut my losses and move on. When he calls he stills calls me sweetie, sweetheart and things of that nature and when he ends the call he tells me he loves me. Should I cut ties or should I continue to talk to him?

Sincerely,

Althea

 

Dear Althea,

Lookit, he did you a favor by calling it quits. And I'll let it slide that he was the one to do it and not YOU.

Marriage is hard enough without getting hitched to a liar. Really, how can you trust this man? MAYBE if he cheated on you once, was sincerely sorry, it never happened again, etc., MAYBE I would say think about it. But that doesn't apply here.

OF COURSE you still love him...but relationships are supposed to be better than this. Don't look at it as time you've invested. See it as the first day of the rest of your life.

Your first instincts are correct. Brush him off, brush yourself off, and don't look back.

 

Dear Chloe,

All right... Well, there's this guy I like, Jeremy. I finally asked my friend, Adam, to e-mail him and ask who he likes. Instead, he e-mailed him and asked if he liked /me/. Talk about freaked out!

Well, he got an e-mail back, and I was positive that it'd say no. To my surprise, it said that he does like me, but he needed 2 weeks to get used to high-school (Freshmen this year).

I wanted to get the word straight from him about the whole...Liking each other thing, so I e-mailed him about it. He said, "Yeah, I like you. But I need 2 weeks to get used to my schedule, but I'll tell you when I am."

Well, he doesn't talk to me, and I don't talk to him. I am a /very/, /very/ shy person, and I'm worried that either he loathes me, and said he likes me just to be nice... Or maybe he's a "shy guy".

My cousin says she sees him look over a lot, and I do admit I look over at him too. Lol! -Sigh - I /really/ need advice on this one. Gimme, gimme!

Sincerely,

meisterofspiff

 

Dear meister,

First of all, people will not say they like someone just to be "nice." Giving someone false hope is not nice at all, not to mention burdening yourself with messy repercussions.

Secondly, please don't ask your friends to ask their friends if they like you (or whomever). It's a lame tactic that usually backfires. It's also a turnoff.

Email is such a crutch. I mean, you guys don't even talk yet you've already put him on the spot about his feelings for you. But what, exactly, is he supposed to like if you're too shy to talk to him? If he doesn't get back to you after he's "used to his schedule," try giving him a reason to be interested...in /person/.

 

Dear Chloe,

Well, I really like this girl but I dunno what to say to her. I'm confident to talk to anyone except her, she's really cute, but her friend's got a major crush on me. Please help me, my friend said I should ask for help here, so I did.

Sincerely,

dark2blader

 

Dear Dark,

Don't worry about her friend, if she likes you that's her problem. Just talk to this chick like she was anybody else. Pretend you don't dig her, if that helps. Girls know it's hard to approach someone you like, so they appreciate when you go for it. Plus it's a great confidence booster to take a chance, which makes it a little bit easier the next time.

 

Dear Chloe,

Hi, just wanted to know your opinion on this. I occasionally go out socially with my large circle of friends from college. There is one girl I like but she's engaged. However, I seem to pick up signals from her that she likes me. This really confuses me. I do put this down to too much to drink - but I do hope that she is genuinely attracted to me. An example of the signals are linking arms with me and dancing suggestively to music in my direction. What am I to read into this?

Sincerely,

Leo

 

Dear Leo,

She's having a little fun at your expense. Just because she's engaged or married doesn't mean she's not going to be attracted to anybody but her husband. Some girls become more outgoing when they're engaged because they figure everyone knows they're off limits so they can let their hair down. I wouldn't make too much of it. If you let yourself get involved you're going to regret it, my friend.

 

Dear Chloe,

Three years ago I fell in love with one of my good friends. My best friend initially hated him, they bickered a lot and neither had great things to say about the other. They lived in the same area so at weekends Iíd see both of them when I went to visit. I noticed over time they started to get on better, which I preferred.

I dated the guy for about a year, it ended when I found out heíd cheated on me. My best friend told me it was probably for the best, that he wasnít worth it but continued to see him around as they were meant to be just friends. This killed me at the time as I felt I couldnít talk to anyone. Eventually I started to talk to my ex, we were friends before it all happened and I think we both wanted it to be like that again.

In the last couple of months Iíve confided in my best friend that I think I like him again (heís changed in the last 2 years) and I know he still is interested in me. My best friend looked a bit shocked at this but listened all the same and gave the advice to stay clear. I found out recently why she didnít want me to get involved with him as it turns out sheís been seeing him for the last year.

I feel so let down but unfortunately not surprised. Iíve yet to say anything to either of them. I feel I canít trust either of them and part of me canít be bothered to even explain why I am going to cut contact with them, the other part of me wants them to know how much they hurt me.

Please help!

Sincerely,

orlalowe

 

Dear O,

Oh boy, I think we all saw that coming! I wouldn't bother giving them an explanation for anything. It's pretty obvious why you don't want to talk to them.

How could you trust either one? It's just a crappy situation that life (or rather, two selfish people) throws at us sometimes. Nothing to do but deal with it, learn from it, get over it. They deserve each other. You don't.

 

Dear Chloe,

I have been married for almost a year to the man that I thought was the man of my dreams...until recently. We have been having some issues lately with him making life changing decisions on his own without even considering how it will affect me. He is a changed man now that we are married. We started fighting more and more lately so I suggested that we go to counseling to work this out. He looked me straight in the face and said "I am not going to counseling, it isn't worth it." I don't know exactly what he meant by it, but I took it as our marriage isn't worth it.

Then I met...we will call him...James. James and I connect on a level that I have never ever experienced before. We share all of the same interests and we have a ton in common. He literally can finish my sentences...and vice versa. We have so much fun together and when we are apart we can't stop thinking about one another. Nothing sexually has happened between James and I but I can't say that it never will. I see myself falling in love with him.

Should I follow my heart to James or work things out at home?? Please help!!

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Torn in 2

 

Dear Torn,

Of course you can see yourself falling in love with James, he's a fantasy you don't have to live with every day. And then James is playing out his own taboo fantasy of making time with some guy's wife. It's all very melodramatic. And all very make-believe.

I certainly can't recommend starting up an illicit affair with James, as tempting as that must be for you. I don't know if your marriage is going to work out, but you definitely need to have a talk with your spouse. If he's going to pretend that nothing's wrong, it won't be the end of the world if you left. But your decisions should be made without the James factor. These affairs often burn out as quickly as they started, and James might not find you so tantalizing once you're in the free and clear. Or he might get tired of looking at the albatross around your neck and move on in search of someone less encumbered. I'm just saying, don't leave your husband unless you're OK with being alone for awhile.

 

Dear Chloe,

My name's Darlene. I have a crush on this guy working at Gamepower (A video game rental place).

He's always been a real sweetie, very nice, recommends good games with a smile (We've asked him to before, me and my mom) and we chit chat sometimes aside from the business of actually renting a game. He makes me smile and laugh a lot. He's really attractive, friendly, with a good sense of humour, etc.

He goes to my school, too. He was in my English class, and I think we've exchanged a few glances (Hopefully I'm not imagining things!).

I know his name now because I took a look at his tag, but I'm not even sure if he knows MY name! I want to get to know him better, so, I want to ask him for his e-mail address. However, I feel conflicted about asking him.

Reason for this:

A) I'm not sure if it's polite to ask him in his place of work.

B) I don't even know if he knows or remembers that I was in his English class.

C) If you don't know someone else's name, wouldn't it be strange if they went up to you and asked you for your e-mail address, before they told you your name, regardless of seeing that person many times because they frequent the store?

I don't really want to introduce myself when I've seen him and talked to him so much, I think it'd be pretty silly.

I think he may have assumed that I remembered him, and that's why he's warmed up to me, but it could be his general cashier-niceness attitude.

I'd really like some advice from an outside source. What do you think, Chloe?

Sincerely,

Darlene

 

Dear Darlene,

I really don't see the big deal in introducing yourself. You can be all casual about it, like, "Weren't you in my English class? Oh, by the way, I'm Darlene." Or you could just say out of the blue, "Darlene," and he'd be like, "What?" and you'd say, "Oh, didn't you just ask me what my name was?" or something stupid like that. People actually like it when someone acts a little goofy (at least I do) because it shows you don't take yourself so seriously. Or you could go in there with a name tag on. Why not? Don't you have to show some ID to rent games, anyway?

Personally, I think it's a little weird to ask someone for their email address instead of getting to know them by in-the-flesh communication methods. Because then what happens? You have these great email convos, but you get all hung up when it comes to talking to him mano-ŗ-mano.

And why do you guys think cashiers are being nice because that's part of their job? Where are all the friendly, outgoing cashiers in my neck of the woods? That's what I'd like to know.

 

Dear Chloe,

I found out a girl from work really fancied me on a night out. I chatted with her and bought her a drink. The next day at work lots of flirting, we exchanged numbers, etc. We arranged to meet and had a great nite, then sex. I found out she has a boyfriend who she stays with because of her daughter. She says they don't sleep together and don't really get on. For about 2 1/2 months I tried to arrange another nite with her but she always cancelled. Then out of the blue she said she wanted to remain friends because she didn't want to split with her boyfriend because of her daughter (who's 9 months old). She said she really likes me, but I'm so confused!! HELP!!

Sincerely,

Pearsn

 

Dear Pearsn,

What is there to be confused about? She said she didn't want to split with her boyfriend because of their daughter. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you, just that her 9-month-old infant is a higher priority than a night shagging one of her co-workers.

 

Dear Chloe,

After finding your website quite by the fluke, I was amused and also quite intrigued by your caring yet blunt and brash way of giving advice. Finally, someone who tells it like it is. Good for you. Secondly, I do have some guy problems of my own that I feel you could help with.

I met this guy at my school, he was hired on as a T.A. for my Video Production class. Anyway I wasn't "on the prowl" or anything, but one day we just started talking and WOW, found out that we clicked extremely well. He's a college graduate, 23 yrs. old, and I am 17 and have graduated High School since. We had a whirlwind friendship and have openly expressed our mutal admiration for each other, verbally and through email. At the time we were becoming friends, he was with a girlfriend of 2 yrs, and I rightfully aknowledged and respected that. I don't believe we did anything inappropriate, and at times if we said something that might seem to be taken a bit too strongly, depending on who said it, either of us would play it off so as not to cause embarrassment or cross that line.

Anyway, since graduation we've hung out and talked on the phone, because now it doesn't feel so inappropriate as before, being a Teacher/Student type of thing. He's told me that he wants to be in my life and there for me all the way and talks about us being friends 10 yrs from now, etc. We both opened up to each other quickly and I'm glad to say have a very open relationship. Here it is, though. After reading about flirting signs and if he likes you etc, I knew it was there a long time ago. I seriously like this guy and even though I'm thoroughly horrible when it comes to guys, I'm not stupid and I know he likes me too. He recently, "took a break" with his girlfriend, and was telling me about it and how she wanted to get back together, but how he said he didn't want to. To me that was great news, but it still means he's with his girlfriend, so no dice. Now he uses the words, "broke up". Whatever. Point is, I like him and I know he likes me cause of eye contact and things he's relayed to me. This would be my first relationship, first date, etc.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, how can I be totally sure of his regard for me. I call him more than he does me, and it gets to be a pain and single sided. If he liked me, he'd call me, like he used to do at first. I don't want to be toyed around, and I feel like he might be leading me on. I did take into consideration that he hasn't asked me out yet because I'm not yet 18, (2 more weeks), and he did just break up about 2 weeks ago. I think I'm expecting too much, too fast. I'm trying to slow down and not get discouraged and be patient. He's been in lots of relationships so I expect and trust him to make all the first moves. I also thought it might be because of my age and lack of life experience, but I'm very mature for my age, as cliched as that sounds, it's true. We clicked so easily because he noticed that I didn't fit in with the other students in class, and he gave me the "Charles in Charge" type of speech telling me that in college I'd fit right in. Anyway, what step should I take next? None? Ask him what's up between us, if anything? Wait till he makes the move? I make the first move? I'm such a love dunce, HELP!!

Sincerely,

Nive

 

Dear Nive,

I prefer the guy to make the first move, but I'm also losing patience with the cowardice of the average young male. Putting aside the slowdown in phone call frequency on his part, I would bite the bullet and ask him out. I mean, he sounds a little flaky with his maudlin speeches of being friends for the next ten years, etc. (what's that all about) so you might have to be the one to get this party started.

I wouldn't call you a poacher per se, but if I were his girlfriend I would not be comfortable with his relationship with you. I always try to gauge everything by the Golden Rule -- how would I feel if someone did that to me? Then you will always be able to tell whether you are doing the right thing.

I think you're overanalyzing everything. Everybody does that, I used to as well, until I realized I was wasting my time and energy on nothing. Look at it this way, if you make an effort and he responds, great. If he doesn't, it's no big deal and you move on. Don't scrutinize every word, email or expression that crosses his face.

 

Dear Chloe,

Well, I like this guy that I work with. I think he likes me too, but I am still doubtful. Here are "clues" I guess you could say as to whether or not he does:

  • Every time I pass by him he looks at me and often tries to get my attention or say hi.
  • He keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend.
  • He smiles at me a lot.
  • I'm a cashier and he will purposely come and bag groceries for my register.
  • He told me he wants a girlfriend.
Am I just incredibly dense here? Or could he just be really friendly? He hasn't asked me for my number or anything, so that's why I'm kinda doublful. What do you think?

Sincerely,

superjenny

 

Dear super,

Yes, in a normal world, guys would not play these annoying flitting games, instead, would get our number and close the deal. But for some reason on planet Earth, it rarely works out that way. Sometimes it falls on our shoulders to make the first move.

Hugs and kisses,

 


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Disclaimer: This column is for entertainment purposes only. I am not a professional therapist or licensed anything for that matter. But that doesn't mean that I don't care.

I reserve the right to edit for grammar, brevity, content, etc. If you'd like to discuss something you've seen here, I invite you to share your experiences. Don't keep it a secret! I welcome your comments.

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