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qc@squirtonline.com
 

I have little patience for whining (unless it's from me). Especially if it's coming from self-described Heartless Bitches. After cringing through most of "Things That Make Us Hurl," I thought it was only fair that someone wrote "Things About Heartless Bitches That Make Me Hurl:"

"People who assume that because I mess around with girls all of my friends are also into messing around with girls."

Blame it on the old saw: "every time two or more girls are together in a room, they will make out." No, wait. That's just you.

"Thought as being skanky just because I made out with a guy during spring break, enjoyed it very much and recognize it as just a spring-fling instead of being a stepping stone to a 'potentially great relationship.' I don't need or want a boyfriend right now, thank you very much, I'd rather just experience as much as possible before I figure out what I want to do."

Q: How many guys are looking for "potentially great relationships" during spring break?

A: Hahaha.

"Little girls with make-up and in outfits that should only be worn at a dance club. What's happening to our children?"

Parents. Or pimps.

"Calista Flockhart's legs and the dress she wore to show them off on the Tonight Show. Talk about a cry for help. "Mommy, why is that lady walking on stilts?"

Meow!

"Writing that's all style (and not a very endearing style, either) and no substance. Far more pukeworthy are the readers who don't notice that the story has no substance because they can't see through the writer's parlor tricks! barfbarfbarfbarfbarf!"

Or, writers like you who have neither style nor substance.

"Cuticle pushers, trimmers, and softeners. That's disgusting! Keep those tools away from my hands!"

Just wait til you see what your gynecologist pulls out of his bag of tricks. Good times!

"F*cking morons who tell me (politely) that I'm too dark to be half white and act too white to be half black (I'm mulatto)... but flounce away in a snit when I reply, "You're too dumb to make friends and too ugly to get laid."

Just slug 'em next time. It's more subtle.

"That everyone practically blew coffee out of their noses when I said I wasn't going to the prom. Look, I don't want to get all stressed out finding a date and spending way too much money on a night that won't mean a damn thing the next fall, when I enter college, which actually matters to my future!"

You go girl. I didn't go to my prom, either, and I almost hardly ever think about it anymore.

"That I have to maintain a 3.0 GPA to keep my scholarship and work at the f*cking dining hall to pay for what's left over after the financial aid, while happy-happy preppy kids whose parents pay all the bills can get drunk every weekend and attend to their oh-so-special social lives instead of studying and earning money."

You're right. It is unfair that you have to maintain a B average to keep a scholarship...and that thousands of people would switch places with you in a heartbeat.

"People who walk really slowly in crowded hallways, stand in doorways that people are trying to get through, walk up and down stairs on the wrong side of the staircase, and travel in groups too large for anyone to slide past them!"

Actually, that IS annoying.

"People (usually women) who have to do everything in groups of six or more. Take meals, see movies, go to the bathroom, study (or more accurately, gab while holding textbooks idly in their nicely manicured hands), you name it, they do it en masse, it makes me ralph. It encourages mindless conformity and undermines independence."

Otherwise known as "having friends". You might want to try it.

"That you can't get someone arrested for threatening to kill someone until after they've killed said someone."

Blimey! I'm speechless.

"The same three questions I hear every time someone finds out I'm in college:
1) Oh, where are you going? (to which I answer the name of my school)
2) What are you majoring in? (to which I answer, English.)
3) So, you're gonna be a teacher? (what, that's the only job I'm capable of doing with a BA in English and a concentration in Creative Writing?"

4) Why are English majors (with a concentration in Creative Writing) so whiny?

"Breeders who accuse non-parents of being irresponsible and selfish. Riiiiight; while I'm paying all my taxes, not missing work, and sparing the planet from additional overpopulation, I'm being irresponsible and selfish."

Eeeshk. I think I'm kinda glad you're not a breeder.

"Teachers who encourage me to write math and science contests "to set an example for the other girls". Um, I'd write them if there were anything in it for me. All you get out of these contests is the potential to be considered slightly better for admission to a program I'm not interested in at a university I'm not going to. I do German contests, where you can win a trip to Germany. Call me if you can top that."

Stupid teachers. Can't they see that you already know everything?

"Guy-friends who treat me like one of the lads all week, but then perve over my tits and legs when I'm dressed up on the weekend. Like I don't have the SAME tits and legs all week under my sweater and jeans, or my IQ drops below my shoe size on the weekends. Or they think I'm suddenly gonna see them as lust objects on Saturday nights, even though they're just friends every other day."

Definition of insanity: repeating behavior and expecting different results. Or, continuing to hang out with guys whose conduct makes you hurl.

To be continued....