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qc@squirtonline.com
 

You know the story: boy attempts contact with girl, girl responds favorably, much smiling and flirting ensues, a connection is made. Boy retrieves phone number, the two separate with implications of future mutually rewarding encounters, boy either sobers up or gets sucked into black hole, and girl is left wondering, WTF?

Well, this stuff does not fly with me. I had to get to the bottom of this and I was surprised that the men I put the question to were eager to shed some light on this phenomenon. Before we start, girls, please keep this in mind, though:

  1. it's not you, it's HE,
  2. it wasn't meant to be.
Either one works for me!

He doesn't remember what you look like, what he did last night, or what his name is. You get the picture. Stupid, drunk, and...mostly stupid. And drunk.

You were fabulous, you were a hit, but he already has a beautiful girlfriend.
And his wife isn't bad, either.

You're too maternal for him.
You're not enough like his mother. No one is.

You remind him too much of his sister, or his ex-girlfriend.
You are his sister, or his ex-girlfriend.

He was just looking to get lucky in the parking lot.
He was just looking to get lucky on the dance floor.
He did get lucky on the dance floor.
With you.

He thought you were a lesbian.
He was disappointed you weren't a lesbian.
He was disappointed both you and your friend weren't lesbians.

He was only flirting. Whatever you were doing was not his problem.

He was interested in someone else you came with.

He received several leads that night and you didn't make the cut.

He was shocked that you didn't know what a "quark" was.
Or a "quack."
Or a "q".

He's fallen head over heels for someone else. Himself.

He decided not to call you after you decided not to go home with him that night. Most guys find "playing hard to get" very discouraging.

He was about to call you but his buddy interrupted with: "You're not calling her, are you?" which pretty much always ends things right there. Guys generally don't date women they think other guys don't want. Unless said guy has a mind of his own, but that's asking too much.

He only asked for your number to end the conversation and get rid of you. A classic chick battle tactic. Ironic, isn't it?

Getting your number was enough of a score that he's happy to return home to Weenietown, USA and resume his intensive regimen of self-flagellation.

He knows an unflattering rumor about you.
He started the rumor.

He knows your boyfriend.
He's dated your boyfriend. And quite frankly, he feels your boyfriend has the nicer ass.

He legitimately lost your number, when he accidentally used the napkin he wrote your number on to clean up a spill.
In his pants.
Or in somebody else's pants.

He recognized you from your adult films.
He didn't recognize you from your adult films.
You didn't know you were in any adult films.

He thought you were amazing. He liked you a lot. He couldn't wait to brag to all his friends about you...But then he realized calling you meant eventually he'd have to think about someone other than himself. And suddenly, he became very, very afraid.

The numbers didn't work out. There's math, you say? Oh my yes. Your teacher was right: you will use calculus after the final, but only if you're a guy. See, fellas can't date every woman they're attracted to. Just not feasible. So they take our stats and plug them right in to this formula:

The total time he expected to spend wooing you (including phone calls),
divided by the estimated out-of-pocket expenses,
multiplied by the variable coefficient of seeing you naked.

This explains why some seemingly doltish guys are really good at math. Actually, this explains why any guy is good at math.
Further:
The average chick's coefficient of nakedness: 97.
A beautiful woman's: 10,000.
A beautiful lesbian's: 1,000,000,000.

I am grateful to the following gentlemen for their time and honesty:

Vinnie Penn: my (former) favorite radio personality; Halcyon: web hunk and so much more; The Hammer; TheMuxMan; derek and El Pollo.