Squirtonline presents Ask Chloe, a Space Age Advice Column

Chloe needs your questions! In an effort to make the advice interesting to everyone, we won't be answering any of those "Do you think she/he likes me" or "How do I ask out my crush," both of which have been covered in the archives or "How to Tell if Someone Likes You." The juicier the sitch, the more likely you'll see it in print!

Today's Column: Another double length column! Lots of crush advice, plus betrayals, perverts, confusing signals and a potential poacher.

Dear Chloe,

I have a crush on this guy. He told me he likes me and I told him I like him, too. We texted all the time and called each other occasionally. But we never talk to each other, we always look at each other and smile. I finally decided to ask him to go to a coffee shop with me. He said yes, but at the last minute said he couldn't. He said he likes me so why doesn't he ask me to be his girlfriend.

Sincerely,

Very Confused

Dear very,

Unfortunately, this is one of the most common mysteries of the Universe.

My guess is that the status quo is enough for him. It's easy to text and call, not so easy to go on a date. But if you two don't talk in person, maybe he's thinking an actual one-on-one date would be awkward? Before you expect him to make a commitment to you (which I think is rushing it just a bit), try striking up a convo with him instead of just smiling at him. What to talk about? The same stuff you text and call about. Surely you know a few of his interests by now.

Another possibility is that he may have just ended a relationship and doesn't feel like getting into another at this time. If that's the case, he's doing you a favor.

Dear Chloe,

I like this guy, and I made the mistake of telling my "best friend." Now she flirts with him every time she sees him, and he flirts back. She knows I like him, and yet she flirts with him right in front of me. Then, when we're not around him she acts as if she wants nothing to do with him. I'm confused and hurt. Do you have any ideas as to what I should do?

Sincerely,

Sam

Dear Sam,

I'm sorry to say I've seen this firsthand. My friend's cousin really liked this guy, so my friend started flirting with him on the pretext of us all hanging out together. Eventually my friend and this guy started dating, but if it makes you feel any better, the relationship lasted all of two weeks.

I wondered why she did it, too, because I know her cousin was hurt. My conclusion was that she did it because she could. Same with your friend -- it's a power trip. There's no point in confronting her about it, because she knows exactly what she's doing. She'll probably just say she's not interested in him, anyway. I don't have room in my life for people like this, so if it were me, I'd distance myself from her (and him). Maybe you're more understanding of someone else's character flaws, so you can put this situation into perspective, forgive her and maintain the relationship. I mean, I don't think anything's going on with you and this guy anyway. Just don't tune her in to any more of your crushes, because she'll do it again.

Dear Chloe,

My boyfriend says inappropriate things to other girls, whether they are exes, or friends of ours. It makes me extremely jealous and although I've asked him to stop he continues to do it. What do I do? Should I end a four-year (on and off) relationship over it?

Sincerely,

Paige Me

Dear Paige,

I'm looking at this two ways. One, you didn't give me an example of something he says so I can't say for sure that it's inappropriate. Is it just harmless flirting? Or is it something worse? Has anyone else backed you up on this? Jealously is a pretty useless emotion. Nothing good can come of it, or never has in the history of the universe. Well, except for that one time.

Now assuming you're a reasonable person, and he is truly saying inappropriate things, that's kind of creepy. The fact that he's disrespecting you by ignoring your wishes, even more creepy.

But ultimately, the decision is yours. I'm sure you feel that you've invested a lot of your time in this relationship, otherwise you'd probably dump him. But the fact that it's on-again off-again is a big red flag. There's always a reason or two for ending a relationship, and usually they're good reasons. Especially if you've ended the relationship multiple times. Something's not right there. I think you know what to do. Four years is a long time. Don't make it five.

Dear Chloe,

Here's the deal. I had a crush on this girl I knew from high school, and then we didn't see each other for a year. It never went really any farther than that, besides being lab partners and having fun. I always considered her good looking and that she would never take someone like me so I never gave it a shot.

Well my senior year, we sat next to each other again, and became good friends, and now we both attend the same college. She went through her first real relationship down there and it was rough for her (still is...she's out of it now), and I was there for her through it. We've grown really close, and I know her really well. We'd go out on the weekends to clubs and things to dance...We've held hands and I've gotten kisses on the cheek from her on multiple occasions (all while drunk, though). She's brought up things like "when we're married, will you..." and "if we ever dated..." or most recently "if we ever had sex..."

Referring to the last one, we went to a concert together, and she would look at me and I'd look right into her eyes and we'd just smile. After the concert, we drank and camped out with a bunch of friends, but nothing happened after, even though we slept next to each other in the tent. We went out to dinner when we were back at school, and she dressed up, as did I, but nothing ever spawned out of it really. This upcoming weekend, we're going to be drinking together again, and two main things: I want to know if the things I mentioned were hints she was dropping or if she was just being drunk/being a flirt friend, and if I'm the one that is too scared to make a move (I think this is it). If I were to make a move this weekend, how do you think I should go about doing it? I really appreciate the advice, and I think I love this girl, so it's really important to me. Thanks!

Sincerely,

Wish I Knew

Dear Wish,

I'm sorry that this response is five months too late. But I liked your letter, so I hope it somehow helps you.

The "if we ever had sex..." line is a new one on me. But that does tell me that at least she's thought about having sex with you. So don't ever think that a girl would never "take someone like me."

In general, girls are wired differently than guys when it comes to being attracted to the opposite sex. Girls have to like something about the guy before they become attracted. It doesn't usually happen instantly. And it doesn't have to be about looks -- girls can become attracted to someone who is fun, (which it sounds like you are) or funny, or smart, or kind. I usually develop a crush only after multiple sightings. In fact, often in the beginning we might not like the guy at all. Just because a guy is cute, doesn't mean she'll automatically be attracted. Especially if the guy turns out to be a jerk. And a lot of the cute ones are jerks, because they don't have to try very hard to have girls interested in them. From what I gather, guys (in general) can be instantly attracted to a girl if they think she is beautiful. Then they may lose interest when they realize she's selfish or a bimbo.

OK, I'm not sure why I got sidetracked just now, but I thought it was worth repeating. Back to you -- I'm not really sure where she's coming from, what with the pecks on your cheek and all. She obviously values your friendship so maybe she's afraid to risk it by making a move. I don't know. If you think you love this girl, you've got to make a move. And if you're going to make a move, my strongest suggestion is that you pick a time when both of you are not drunk.

And when I say, "make a move," it could be a conversation about where you'd like things to go. If you're really brave, maybe you could tell her that you're falling in love with her. Why the heck not? It'd be nice to see a guy with a pair around here. Good luck!

Dear Chloe,

Okay, today my friend and her boyfriend came over my house because my parents weren't home and we all just wanted to hang out. Well, she had to go home because she started throwing up, so her mom came and got her. Her boyfriend stayed in my garage and he said he wasn't going to leave until I got in the car with him and just talked with him for a minute, so I did. He started touching me in some places and asked me to do some stuff with him. I said, "No," to all of it. Then he took my hand and put it on him. I felt so uncomfortable, and I wanted to cry, but he wouldn't let me out. Finally my sister walked in, and he just told me to get out, and left. I don't know if I wanna tell my friend what happened, I'm scared that she won't believe me, and our friendship will end. I'm scared that he might come back and try to kill me, what do I do?

Sincerely,

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Oh my gosh. Honey, you have to tell someone. Tell your sister, tell your parents, tell your guidance counselor at school, or tell any other adult who you feel comfortable confiding in. And I think you should tell your friend. This dude is sick. What he did is sexual assault. You did nothing wrong. I'm not sure why you think he would try to kill you, but tell the adults that, too. I don't know what to say if your friend doesn't believe you, because she might not, but she has to be told that her boyfriend is dangerous. If anything, she should know why you don't want her bringing him around any more. If she already knows there's something wrong with her boyfriend, then you certainly don't need her friendship. You have to take care of yourself.

Dear Chloe,

I have a severe crush on my Boss. The first glimpse of him sent an odd feeling through me like nothing before. It's been two years and I still adore him. I look at him from time to time and catch him doing the same. Not sure if he's interested in me, or if he just thinks I'm stupid. I talk to everyone at work but him. He has helped me out in many ways...such as helping to transport my daughter when my school district closed the door on us. He has saved me many times. He has never made a sexual comment to me in two years. All other men I work with come onto me like flies on crap. Other co-workers are mad at me because he has done favors for me and my children. It has gotten me into several arguments outside of work. I am really attracted to him, I just want him to know I think he's the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. It's not because he is the Boss...cause get this...for five months I never knew he was. I thought he was just a sexy janitor floating around the building. We both flirt with strictly eyes, no words exchanged, really, unless it pertains to work. What should I do, to let him know I'm interested. I'm a little shy. I would be willing to leave my job if something goes sour.

Sincerely,

Working Stiff

Dear Working,

Generally I advise against making a play for your boss. You don't say anything about him being married so I am going to assume that you both are single. If either of you are not free, then I will only advise you to back off.

Look, you're obviously an adult who's been around the block. If after two years you still feel there's something there, well, maybe that's because there is something there (I can practically feel the heat from here). Just remember that if things do go sour, the employee is always the one who gets hosed.

I don't think it would be hard to let him know you're interested. It seems like you are both being careful about maintaining a professional relationship. If you started a more personal conversation with him, I think things will just naturally progress. Also be prepared for more problems from your co-workers, they seem jealous.

Dear Chloe,

I work with this girl, we see each other daily. She is a secretary and I work in the maintenance department. She is really good looking, has a great personality and seems to send a lot of signals that she is really interested, as am I. The problem is, we are both married and not happy with our current partners. Should I ignore the signals or try and pursue the relationship?

Sincerely,

Maintenance Man

Dear Main,

This had the beginnings of a great story until you got to the "we are both married" part.

No, you should not pursue this! You are going to end up ruining four people's lives. If you are not happy with your spouse, then either end it or find out why you're not happy and see if it's fixable.

Dear Chloe,

I have a crush on this guy but my friend has told me a lot of times that she likes him. I have never told her that I like him so she has no idea. I am not sure what to do because I don't want to hurt my friend but I really want to ask him out. What should I do?

Sincerely,

xc90

Dear x,

Who is more important to you? If you ask out this guy, you can kiss your friendship goodbye. You might not want to hurt your friend, but that's what you'll be doing.

Dear Chloe,

Okay -- a girl at work sent me a reply email for some question I had and then told me to have a nice weekend - unusual at this company. She always smiles at me when we see each other. Now -- I sent her an email about some class I was holding (BIOTECH - it was a bullshit email to see her response) Her email back was almost a book about her past and what she did...she's an artist. I asked if she would show me her portfolio and we set a meeting to look at it. We met for an hour looking at the artwork and had a nice casual meet -- I am a manager and she is not, if that matters. She smiles at me from across the room even when she is in a meeting room (glass walls). We have emailed back and forth a couple of dozen times and it's always friendly. I SUCK at signals. I put myself out there and through some crap email about travel for work asked her if her 'spouse' would mind the travel (she has no ring). She emailed me back saying she wasn't married but had a boyfriend.

What gives here? Is she just friendly or interested. Like I said -- I have always sucked at picking up signals and it's cost me some good women. Thanks.

Sincerely,

I Didn't See The Sign

Dear I Didn't,

I know you suck at reading signs, but this one says "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND" on it.

If you read any of my other columns you'd know my stance on dating at the office. (Bad.) You'd also know my stance on poaching someone else's girlfriend (Very Bad.)

So what's going on here? Maybe she likes you. So what? She has a boyfriend.

Lots of times people who are unavailable flirt with their co-workers. That's harmless as long as everyone is on the same page. Just enjoy this for what it is, an office crush that adds a little spice to the average boring workday.

Dear Chloe,

My boyfriend and I have been together eight months. I know, I know I shouldn't have gone with the good looking guy. About two months ago, a female co-worker of his whom I used to be comfortable with, started to flirt with him at group outings in a very touchy (literally) way. She will leave her hand on his arm too long when talking and try to dominate the conversation by being extra funny and witty and talking about work related subjects that leave me out. When we are walking together she practically squeezes me out by leaning over me to talk to my man. And she always makes sure to sit next to him with me on the other side of him, then leans too close when looking over at his menu or whatever excuse she can come up with.

All his friends are part of the same tight work circle so there seems to be no escaping her. My boyfriend has a people pleasing personality. She is always inviting us out to get togethers, usually with drinking, and I dread going. The good news is my boyfriend does not exclude me. The bad news is it has taken many weary hours of feeling invalidated trying to get him to see she is not just being "friendly" but that her actions are threatening and very disrespectful to me. He initially thought I was trying to take away his freedom by restricting his circle of friends. If I react to her I know she will label me to everyone as the hysterical jealous girlfriend so I feel helpless just hoping he will cut her out, which would be hard considering she is good friends with all his friends. I wish he would just exclude her or not agree to any of her invitations as he is inadvertently encouraging her. Once he even went to one of her soirees without me when I just couldn't bear to go. All his friends are there and I don't want to isolate him but this is killing me! He seems to think he can train her to not touch him anymore by jerking away, but I feel she is relentless. And she is kind of attractive and knows how to flirt.

I am miserable and sometimes I consider breaking up just so I don't have to be subjected to her. This is not the future I envisioned in my relationship. I crave boredom! We fought about this so much, he thought I was overreacting and only recently did he concede that I was right and she is overstepping boundaries and decorum by being flirty with him. I am resentful of him for agreeing to go to yet another dinner party she is throwing with only 2 other people attending. I should probably mention she is the group organizer. I just don't know what to do. For every five after work hang out sessions my boyfriend turns down, on the sixth he'll cave just to keep things going smoothly. By separating from her it would make matters worse socially because it is his good friend's girlfriend! My boyfriend is not leaving this job any time soon and neither is she, his work hours are long and I will admit I worry what she is like when I am not there. But I can't do this anymore. I feel he is disrespecting me by putting me in this situation, yet, it does not seem there is any way of avoiding her either as she is always included in every party/meeting/project. Please help! Any suggestions how to stop her/compromises between me and my boyfriend/ultimatum time perhaps?

Sincerely,

Hating on the Poaching Ladies

Dear Hating,

Lady, I feel your pain. And although your boyfriend has a "people-pleasing" personality, apparently that applies to everyone but you. Where is his mouth in this situation? Why hasn't he said anything to her, specifically, instead of trying to dissuade her with ambiguous body language? That just doesn't cut it. And what the heck is her boyfriend doing? Surely he can't help noticing what's going on?

Obviously you can't just ignore this woman. Your spineless boyfriend should have said something to her, but clearly he likes the attention. Is it worth breaking up over? He is disrespecting you, and in my world that's enough to call it quits. I don't dig ultimatums, basically those are threats and threats don't belong in a healthy relationship. But why should you be at his mercy? You could stay with him and put up with this insufferable woman, or better, break up and find someone who's got your back. (You could try flirting with her boyfriend, see how she likes it. I know that's immature but she deserves a taste of her own medicine.)

Hugs and kisses,

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Disclaimer: This column is for entertainment purposes only. I am not a professional therapist or licensed anything for that matter. But that doesn't mean that I don't care.

I reserve the right to edit for grammar, brevity, content, etc. If you'd like to discuss something you've seen here, I invite you to share your experiences. Don't keep it a secret! I welcome your comments.