What's more annoying than whining? Sure, lots of things, but what's more of a drag than a whiner who's all, "I'm a heartless bitch?"

Yeah, we thought so, too. We're all about setting the record straight regarding these Marys, so here's the final installment of "Things About Heartless Bitches That Make Us Hurl:

Those damned Lane Bryant ads that feature only skinny little models. What's up with that? Their clothes start at 14/16! Are they ashamed of what they sell?

Pretty much.

People who think PMS jokes are so clever. Look, moron, if you're being a jerk, my hormones have NOTHING to do with why I'm irritable!

Your hormones? Are making ME irritable.

The new feminist "VAGINA DAY" (hold fingers up in 'peace sign' salute please). Some really dimwitted woman must have come up with this one. It is on Valentine's Day.


The Sylvia Plath story is told to girls who write. They want us to think that to be a girl poet means you have to die. Who is that told me all girls who write must suicide? I've another good one for you, we are turning cursive letters into knives....

Um, what?

I hate made-for-tv movies that portray women as irrational creatures who blame all their problems on hormones (PMS and menopause) and for whom the solution to all life's problems is chocolate.

Hey, you know what was a good made-for-tv movie? Me neither.

I also hate women who buy into this ridiculousness and spend all their time taking anti-depressants and other drugs because their anger makes the world uncomfortable. Sometimes the problem is your life choices and the world itself, not your hormones.

Lookit, why don't you take some drugs or something because your anger is making me uncomfortable. Oh, did I say anger? I meant, stupidity.

Other more stereotypical lesbians who laugh at me or say I'm not a *real* lesbian because I have long hair, wear make up and get my nails done....excuse me? Aren't you the same ones who get pissed off when someone calls you "sir?" Diminished femininity does not a lesbian make. I prefer hairless legs, and acrylic nails...and my girlfriend appreciates them too!

Well, I'm just glad to see that lesbians are as tolerant as heterosexuals, especially towards, erm, lesbians.

People who refuse to even try to learn a damn word of the language of the country they've been living in for like 5 years, and then accuse you of being racist if you suggest they take an ESL class to make life easier for their coworkers and themselves.

Right on, girlfriend.

People who ask if I'm dating anybody YET, and when I say no, want to know why, when they know that I'm attending college, have a job, and I go to martial arts and life drawing classes. Maybe I'm too busy to go to the trouble of sorting through the masses of losers to find somebody that I'd consider worth spending time with!

Pfft. Somebody worthwhile is probably too busy to sort through the masses of losers to find YOU.

Women who don't know how to go home. We went out, slept together, had breakfast, took showers, bought coffee. Don't you have something else to do?

You know what's worse than women who don't know how to go home? Men who don't know how to shut up.

Men who have their wives killed (or who kill them) so they won't have to pay alimony and child support. If you didn't want to support your children, then perhaps you shouldn't have had any to begin with. And of course, leaving them motherless is an ideal solution.

Er, shouldn't you be talking to the police? Or a psychiatrist?

Guys who get offended because I want to pay MY half of the date! If I wanted a f***ing free meal, I'd tell your weak-ass to cook!

Um, why are you dating? And how?

Being considered less than complete, or not a 'real' adult, because I haven't married/had kids or any combination of the above. Single people are authentic adults, too. We have bank accounts, stock portfolios, good jobs, and decent homes. Because we don't have the spouse and the 2.5 children, we're "selfish", "sick", or "losers." To me, losers are those who ignore their intuition and blindly follow the corporate life-script they've been handed, and wonder and whine about being miserable.

You're just desperate to give it away, aren't you?

Stupid boys, and sometimes girls, who tell me about how much I need to get laid. Yes, I'm a 22 year old male, and I'm a virgin, WHO CARES? What's the big deal? I also have much better things to do with my time than hang out at bars and night clubs trying to find some airheaded bimbo to have a one night stand with.

Is there some reason why everyone knows you're a virgin? Because that's why people think you need to get laid.

Girls, or women, who think that because I'm a man, I'll do anything to get into their pants. So when they become my only hope for getting a homework assignment, my asking, "Hey what are you doing after class? I need to photocopy that handout, could you meet me in the lobby?" will actually mean something like, "You're hot, I'm horny, let's get together."

Don't any guys in your class take notes? P.S. Asking what someone is doing after class sounds pretty much like a date.

Those loud and obnoxious adolescent boys I have to live with, who wake me up at 4 in the morning to ask me for cigarettes, and wonder why I'm so cranky when they wake me up at that hour.

Um, lock your door much?

People who complain about being "so tired" or "so busy" or don't have the time to do their f***ing dishes. All of us are busy, I'm writing a thesis for chrissake! You are only doing what you've been doing for three years, so don't piss about it. Your life isn't that bad.

Oh, you grad students. You're so f***ing whiny.

That random woman in the video rental store who told me not to rent Dogma because "it's so stupid, and it doesn't have a storyline." Really, thanks, I needed your opinion to make my choice. Especially since she was talking to her boyfriend about how funny See Spot Run was when she saw it last night. If your cinematic choices are so insanely filled with guys who hit themselves on the head and dogs who slobber on people for laughs, don't tell me what I need to watch.

Here you are. A cool, refreshing glass of shut up.

One more thing - the new syndrome, PMDD. Another way to blame all women's bad moods on their periods and medicate them to make the world a "better" place for everyone else.

If medicating you will make the world a better place (and I'm thinking it will), I'm all for it!