Guys are always looking for advice on picking up girls. They ask me, "There's this luscious hottie and what can I say to her without looking like a dork?" Well, I've got news for you, fellas. Chicks dig a smidgeon of dorkiness in their guys. That's endearing. Still, for those of you who don't believe me, I have put together this handy guide to aid your hooking-up endeavors. If any of these prove successful, please let me know about it!
Brag about your pimping abilities. If you really are a pimp, so much the better.
Invent a cute story from back in the day, when you were "living in the bighouse." Tell her about quality time spent with Hercules and his little friend, Mr. Peepers. We can dig a good male-bonding story. If you really have done time, congratulations. Chicks admire a man who is a little "rough around the edges."
Comment how you love women so much, you prefer to pleasure them two, three at a time. Entertain her with examples to prove your point.
Use the word "feminazi" in a sentence. Example: "That bitch, Patti, is such a feminazi and all her lesbo friends, too." It shows you're progressive and current and it's guaranteed to instigate an intellectual discussion. Chicks really dig progressive men who instigate intellectual discussions.
Feature a tasty "babe o' the week" on your website. Don't forget to airbrush.
When in conversation with a chick, don't stop yourself from gazing at her cleavage. That's what they're there for.
Then, tell her they look real.
Drop hints at how much you can benchpress. If you don't lift weights, make up a number. I like "747."
Likewise, if you can pull this off, lift up a barstool while someone's still using it. After making sure the stool is not screwed into the floor, of course.
Say you buy "Young Miss" strictly for the articles.
About revealing your "sensitive" side: yeah, right. Since when do chicks dig girly-men? Since never.
Never waste an opportunity to badmouth your ex-girlfriends, that is, if you have any. Badmouthing your current girlfriend is OK, too. Girls like to hear guys trash other girls.
It's acceptable to watch TV while a chick is talking at you. Feel free to interrupt her soliloquy if your team pulls a boner. It shows you're passionate about something, and she'll respect your devotion. If she really had something important to say, she'd be talking to one of her girlfriends.
Voice your opinion that if a woman thinks she's a lesbian, it's only because she hasn't found the "right" man yet. She'll really be impressed with your open-mindedness.
Likewise, label anyone who won't go out with you as a lesbian. If enough guys believe it, who knows, she might give you a second chance. However, it's more than likely she will end up with more dates than she can ever handle.
Keep your true feelings bottled up. It shows you're the strong, silent type and chicks like the challenge of guessing what's going on with you. Get upset if she guesses wrong.
It is never inappropriate to work your cell-phone. Nobody wants to date an unimportant loser.
Pooh-pooh the opera or the ballet, "pooh" being the operative word here.
If you don't know anything about literature, keep it that way. Chicks could care less if you own a library card.
Gush about your favorite female role models, such as the unconventional Pamela Anderson for having her breast implants removed (???) and that chick who was married to Dennis Rodman.
Share your favorite porn with her. She'll be touched by this simple, effective act of generosity.
Say you went on all the rides at the Lilith Fair.
Sneer at those who say "a woman's place is in the kitchen." Point out there's also a living room, bathroom and bedroom.
Tell her you believe true intimacy is a "myth." Explain that no woman you've ever met was comfortable enough with herself to let down her defenses, especially after you've gone out on a limb and shared your lab results. (Note: "positive" is not always good.)
Chicks dig minor disfigurement. There are few things sweeter to our ears than an Oral History of Your Scars, Vols. I, II and III.
No matter what she says, disagree. Chicks appreciate a man with convictions.
Act aggressively towards any male you think you can "take," i.e. nancy-boys. It works for gorillas and good ole boys, it should work for you. Getting liquored up beforehand is optional, but recommended.
That's all there is to it. What could be simpler?