Recently I had the pleasure of sitting down with Vinnie Penn, cohost of the popular Stu and Vinnie morning show at KC101 in Hartford, Connecticut. (To be honest, he was my favorite radio personality...until this interview) You can find him at 101.3 FM.

Squirtonline: Have you ever done anything illegal? I once blew past a toll booth after my change bounced off the receptacle. You don't think there'd be a lengthy statute of limitations on that, do you?

Vinnie: The law can be so damn tricky. I'm sure I've done loads of illegal things, even more so than the ones I already know are illegal.

Squirtonline: What do you think of my new haircut?

Vinnie: The fact that I've never actually seen you and that I'm hair-impaired myself makes me unable to comfortably answer this question.

Squirtonline: So much for the part of the interview I like to call "Me and how darn cute I look in this new 'do." BTW, cheri, I thought it would be kinda fun if we pretended that this was a face-to-face. Thanks for letting the cat out of the bag.

And speaking of cute chickies, who would you most like to make it with? Before you answer, be warned that if you say "my current girlfriend" and/or "Jennifer Love Hewitt", I might hurl. But if you always thought your third grade teacher, Ms. Jenkins, was a hottie, that would be cool.

Vinnie: Sure, JLH, as well as Jennifer Lopez, Carmen Elektra, Charlize Theron, Ashley Judd, Claire Forlani, Sherilyn Fenn, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kate Hudson, Rebecca Gayheart, Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Shannon Elizabeth, Gina Gershon, Elizabeth Hurley, Kari Wuhrer, Vanessa Marcil, Claire Danes, Natasha Henstridge, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Amanda Peet, Jessica Alba, Jaime Pressly, Heather Graham, Denise Richards, Rebecca Romijn, Cameron Diaz, Alyssa Milano, and Angelina Jolie, to name only a few.

Squirtonline: Jesus, Mary and Joseph, cheri. No wonder you're still the sidekick.

Vinnie: I'm the sidekick?

Squirtonline: Did I say that out loud? I'm sorry, cheri. My bad.

Moving right along, then: Someone I dated -- briefly -- asked me if I were the "angel of darkness." Isn't that a scream? What is the most amusing thing you've been accused of being?

Vinnie: First of all, he stole "angel of darkness" from me; second, hard to figure out what would be the most amusing.

Squirtonline: Yeah, right. Complete this sentence: a sandwich is not a sandwich without...

Vinnie: some type of bread product.

Squirtonline: It's ironic, isn't it, that you're paid to be funny?

At first I thought about how awesome it was that Dee Snider (of Twisted Sister) has a morning show, but he just seems like more of the same. You are still my sunshine in the morning. That's not a question, just an observation.

Vinnie: Let's dance.

Squirtonline: Take a number, cheri. I understand you went out west to work on a film, Artie. Care to give any details?

Vinnie: I was upset to learn they were joking about my having to do full frontal nudity.

Squirtonline: I wish I could say the same. Did anything interesting happen in Hollywood? Did you fulfill your fantasy of having a bisexual encounter? Oh wait, that's me.

Vinnie: Yes, I did. Oh wait, that's you.

Squirtonline: Har, har! Not. How is Artie doing, by the way?

Vinnie: Looks good.

Squirtonline: What have you done or written that you're most proud of?

Vinnie: Can ya believe it -- no answer!

Squirtonline: Oh, for crying out loud, cheri. Well then, who was your favorite interview or guest? Who would you most like to get on the show?

Vinnie: Favorite guest: Harry Connick. Most like to get: Scott Baio.

Squirtonline: A lot of people who contact me on Instant Messenger ask about my panties. What's your favorite conversation opener?

Vinnie: Ditto.

Squirtonline: Someone told me this one: (alcohol is required)

Guy: My name is Ray, and I think you should remember that.
Me: Why?
Guy: Because in about three hours I'm gonna look really good.
Feel free to use that, Little Chicken.

Did you ever do something really cool to get a chick to go out with you, and did it work?

Vinnie: I'd like to think so, though nothing comes to mind right now...

Squirtonline: Yes, I'd like to think so, too, cheri. Thanks for dropping the ball for at least the third time during this interview.

Why must some radio personalities put on a phony voice when they do the news or a voice-over? It's *^@%$ annoying.

Vinnie: Because radio's annoying.

Squirtonline: Well, I'm sure it's not because radio personalities are annoying. Are you still in contact with Glenn?

Vinnie: Glenn who?

Squirtonline: Can I still get a copy of your book?

Vinnie: Yes.

Squirtonline: For free?

Vinnie: No.

Squirtonline: Will you use the word "squirty" on the air just once? G'wan, it'll be coo'.

Vinnie: My, you are a fan!

Squirtonline: You betcha. But I'm making a note that you didn't answer the question. Cheri, may I make a suggestion for the Rock To Work?: "You Can Leave Your Hat On."

Vinnie: I would love to play "Hat" but I don't have it.

Squirtonline: Uh-oh! Did somebody's stock just take a hit? OK, How about some early Van Halen instead. (Note: I think he ignored my request)

Merci, Vinnie! You've been such a great sport, and I thank you for giving me four-and-a-half minutes in a row of your time.